Bargaining

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with developing the stages of the grieving process, namely denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Of course this isn't an a then b then c progression - sometimes you may get stuck on one stage, even regress. Progress is cyclical, even backwards at times. Most of human development is like that. So when someone is referred to as "a work in progress" don't leap to the conclusion it's forward progress. That's just a set-up for frustration.

(As my wise friend Janel advised me about raising boys, count on them doing the exact thing you've asked them not to, at least once more, after you've made your expectations clear. Sometimes the best thing you can bring to a tense situation is a set of lowered expectations. And a sense of humor is always helpful. My marriage confirms this, daily.)

I think that my default setting - the desire to shop, the need to honor a really great deal with an actual purchase (even if I don't need or even want the item) - is getting reset, a bit. It's hard to let go, and tempting to stay stuck. It may not be functional but at least it's home! Hence the grieving process, as I try to let go.

Today I had zero energy but had to get going anyways - brought X to preschool, stressed about arriving at work a few minutes late. Then I find out the client I was there to see was AWOL, as in missing persons report. Being selfish, I immediately think of my wasted time and energy - especially since I could have been home sniffling, rather than hopped up on Hall's somewhere in the north Metro. And with my consulting gig - no play no pay. Aaaargh. Can I have my gallon of gas and 45 minutes back, please, with interest?

So how does my rational mind respond to my frustration and lack of income? "F.... it! Let's go shop!" Cue the siren song of the Salvation Army, three exits away, en route. But... it occurs to me that I am unable to go there and NOT find something worthy of purchase. To even walk in those doors is to tempt fate. Accepting my limitations, I just .... didn't let myself go. I did the responsible thing and went home to complete some looming projects I'd been putting off. In lieu of napping, I cleaned out one closet, two cupboards and the linen closet - filling my trunk in the process. And all about the immediate gratification, I proceeded immediately to the Goodwill - do not cross go, do not collect $200. I love the drive-thru drop off. Liberating. Especially when I breezily scoff at the tax deduction receipt.

Lest I be too complacent, I must admit I did some bargaining after all. If I finish my credentialing paperwork tomorrow for insurance, I get to visit the Salvation Army. Denial. It makes the world go 'round.