Mindfulness

It's depressing, how much I operate on automatic pilot. This is made especially clear on fully-scheduled days, fraught with multitasking. Not particularly efficient, nor is it high on the quality of life scale. Some days/weeks get so jam-packed that I just put my head down and slog through.

Lots of missed opportunities, there. So absorbed in the to-do list I'm not even present - even if the task at hand is potentially fun. I feel the worst guilt about trudging through days just missing out the kids' discoveries and joy. The "under seige" mentality doesn't really encourage mindfulness or gratitude.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner, mentally rearranging schedules for some last-minute snafus, reminding myself to hang up the laundry, listing the phone calls I needed to make, etc. Then my 4 yr. old son walks in, stands behind me a bit, and starts talking to me in a silly voice - and I barely respond with a "yes, honey" but its like I'm not actually present and the sound takes so much longer to travel the distance to my faraway mind. Eventually I catch up, unscramble the Scooby-Doo syntax and the goofy voice to realize he's trying to give me something. I look down at his outstretched arms, over which is draped our incredibly tolerant and apparently boneless cat Spot. She implores me with her lovely green eyes to save her from so much loving, and when I pick her up she purrs contentedly in an instant. She doesn't hold grudges.

My kids are persistent. They have to be. I try to remind myself that if I listened better and acknowledged the first time, they wouldn't be repeating themselves so much they reach whining pitch - which is generally when my ears start bleeding. This is followed shortly thereafter by snakes springing out of my forehead. And then I start yelling for it all to stop, but my voice sounds more like the bark befitting the Hounds of Hell. Which is probably just as communicative as my spluttering/gesturing/yelling self. And what comes out of my mouth? "Why don't you just listen?"

Why indeed?